Healthy Boundaries In Relationship

Boundaries Don’t Ruin Relationships–They Save Them

Have you ever walked away from an interaction feeling weird, resentful, or misunderstood but are unsure why? Often, that discomfort is a sign that a boundary is missing, unclear, or being crossed. Boundary problems are described as either too much closeness (difficulty saying “no” in relationships) or too much distance (difficulty saying “yes” in relationships). Learning how to set boundaries isn’t about becoming rigid or distant, it’s about creating relationships that feel safer, more respectful, and sustainable.

Why Are Boundaries Important in Relationships?

Boundaries play a key role in protecting mental health and supporting healthy relationships. While they’re often misunderstood as walls or ultimatums, healthy boundaries usually increase connection rather than reduce it.

When boundaries are unclear or absent, people often begin to feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, or resentful. Over time, this can lead to avoidance, tension, or disconnection. Clear boundaries help prevent this buildup by setting expectations that support both emotional well-being and the relationship itself.

It’s also a common misconception that boundaries are about controlling other people. In reality, boundaries are about clarifying your limits and communicating how you’ll care for yourself if those limits aren’t respected. They focus on your behavior, not someone else’s.

Where Do Your Boundaries Tend to Land?

Finding the balance between being flexible and being firm can be challenging. When boundaries are too passive, your needs may be overlooked. When they’re too rigid, others may feel shut out or defensive.

Healthy boundaries allow room for both self-respect and connection. They make space for saying “no” while staying open to closeness and collaboration. And they’re rarely a one-time conversation. Boundaries often need revisiting as relationships, circumstances, and personal needs change.

Regularly checking in with yourself—Is this boundary working? Does it need adjusting? Could it be communicated differently?—is a normal and important part of growth. Even small shifts in timing or wording can make a meaningful difference.

What a Healthy Boundary Can Sound Like

Your values strongly influence your boundaries. For example, if emotional safety is important to you, you may need to speak up when someone’s comments feel critical or intrusive.

Imagine a friend frequently commenting on your food choices. Instead of saying, “Please stop commenting on what I eat,” you might say:

“I care about our friendship and our conversations. When comments are made about my food, I notice I feel uncomfortable and start to disengage.”

This approach communicates that the relationship matters while clearly naming your limit. It centers your experience without telling the other person what they must do, which can reduce defensiveness and protect connection.

Why Setting Boundaries Can Feel So Hard

Even when we understand the importance of boundaries, setting them can feel uncomfortable or intimidating. Common barriers include people-pleasing, fear of conflict, and prioritizing short-term comfort over long-term relationship health.

Boundaries can be especially difficult when others are used to you being accommodating. When dynamics shift, discomfort often shows up on both sides. This is particularly true in long-standing relationships—such as with family or childhood friends—where people may expect you to stay the same.

Advocating for yourself can change the balance of a relationship, sometimes leading to pushback. Even so, having a few uncomfortable conversations can protect the relationship over time. Firm boundaries can still be kind, respectful, and grounded in care.

And to be clear—this isn’t easy.

Ways to Practice Boundaries With More Confidence

Here are a few strategies that may help boundary-setting feel more manageable:

Plan for Challenges

Anticipating possible reactions ahead of time can reduce anxiety. You might consider how you want to respond if someone dismisses your needs or continues a behavior. Reminding yourself that boundaries support both your mental health and the relationship can help counter guilt or self-doubt.

Ride the Wave

Setting boundaries often brings up anxiety or discomfort. The DBT skill “Ride the Wave,” developed by Marsha Linehan, encourages noticing emotions without trying to escape them. Like waves, emotions rise and fall. Allowing discomfort to pass—rather than fearing it will last—can make difficult conversations feel more tolerable.

Name What’s Happening

Sometimes simply naming discomfort or disagreement in the moment can reduce defensiveness. Acknowledging emotions out loud can help you stay grounded and present during the conversation.

Write a Script

Writing out what you want to say ahead of time can help you communicate clearly, especially if emotions run high. Some people also find it easier to express boundaries through a thoughtful message or email.

Collaborate When Possible

If defensiveness shows up, opening the conversation to mutual boundaries can support shared understanding and respect. Collaboration often feels safer than one-sided limit-setting.

What to Remember About Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about creating the conditions for healthier, more sustainable connection. While setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, clear and compassionate limits protect your mental health and allow relationships to grow.

With practice, patience, and self-compassion, boundaries can become less about fear or guilt and more about honoring your needs while staying connected to the people who matter to you.

Sources & Further Reading

Choosing Therapy. (n.d.). How to set boundaries in unhealthy relationships (Workbook).
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/11/How-to-Set-Boundaries-Unhealthy-Relationships-Workbook.pdf

Full Focus Therapy. (n.d.). Ride the wave: A DBT skill to navigate anxiety.
https://www.fullfocustherapy.com/blog/ride-the-wave-dbt-skill-to-navigate-anxiety

Hope Wellness. (n.d.). Boundaries and emotional well-being.
https://www.hope-wellness.com/blog/3z5dth7oxfuyjol0tsxk1gsqfmcsc2

Hope Wellness. (n.d.). Journaling prompts to help you examine your relationships.
https://www.hope-wellness.com/blog/6-journaling-prompts-to-help-you-examine-your-relationships

Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Boundaries: Psychoeducation worksheet.
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout

Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Boundary styles worksheet.
https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundary-styles